Off Topic: Orchiectomy

Orchiectomy is the polite medical definition for surgically removing someone's (single) testicle which is what happened to me yesterday as a result of the cancer diagnosis two weeks ago. It appears that they got everything and, apart from having lost a previously treasured body part, I'm recovering nicely. I have to say that I look like a butcher went at me with a meat cleaver. The incision is about five inches long and runs diagonally down from roughly where one might suspect one's appendix might be towards the remaining crown jewels which, I am happy to say were spared and which I am also happy to report continue to function flawlessly in all manner of speaking. All movement is however accompanied by the same level of pain as one would expect from a broadsword stab in the same region so I'm not about to go for a run.

My CT-Scan form last week showed my abdomen clear of tumors apart from two nodules in my lungs which are very small and which I believe will turn out to be nothing problematic, but they will be running tests on those in the coming few days or weeks. I will also be doing a course of radiation or chemo treatment – the doctors haven’t decided which yet.

By the way, they also shaved me 'down there' as part of the procedure, which is what one would expect. It is an interesting experience and I'm sorry to say new to me, but it does have certain interesting advantages which I think would stretch the limits of posting on this blog so I won't. What some of you may not know and others may not want to know is that they also replace the extracted unit with a prosthetic one. One actually only needs one testicle, it seems, to function properly, but two do dress a man better, I have to agree. I did ask if they could replace it with a brass one but that didn't seem to be in the realm of the possible - it just seemed it would have been nice to say "I do'" the next time someone says "you must have balls made of brass!"

In any case, I'm recovering nicely and have a whole boatload of Vicodin to keep me company to keep the pain at bay and, although I haven't taken one yet, I'm about to and I'll drift off to a nice codeine high which should make enough of you jealous to want pre-emptive surgical removal of a testicle just for the drugs.